Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I fill condoms, not promises.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
