dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Boobs speak an international language.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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