Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
