Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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