I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just invented taco cereal.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
