Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
