Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
