even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
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