My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize