I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
