My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
