my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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