i was born a porn star she said
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
