Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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