I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
