There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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