I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
