he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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