how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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