oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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