If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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