Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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