did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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