Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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