Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize