I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Randomize
