He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
