She is in my trunk
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
