Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
