you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
