im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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