We won't sleep together?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
