did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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