I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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