I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
