Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
