she was so not down for the gang bang
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
