I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
