Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
