Pants 0. Shit 1.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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