The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
