I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
