Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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