So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize