i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
