mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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