it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
