Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
