His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
