I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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