the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
