I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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