i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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