between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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