It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
