my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
