Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Randomize
